Spiritual Abuse in the Pulpit and the Pew
by
Dale O. Wolery
Pastors should be the last people to perpetrate abuse. The idea is
disconcerting and repulsive, but God’s people sometimes do God’s work in destructive
ways. Surely not every clergyperson is an abuser, and yet many thoughtful
observers believe that spiritual abuse, intentional or not, has
become the norm for modern pastors. Any ministerial behavior, mine or someone else’s, that
damages someone’s relationship with God is spiritual abuse. But it’s not just a
clergy problem. People in the pews have an enormous appetite for abuse. The
fear and shame that motivate the abusers are the same feelings that often
motivate victims to accept the abuse. Some church attendees wouldn’t have
church any other way. Within the church, spiritual abuse has become so
normalized that it is viewed as the path to spiritual growth. We crave what
hurts us because we believe it is best for us. The passion and certainty with which I pen these thoughts grow out of two
painful realities: that I have been spiritually abused and that I in turn have
been the abuser. I have contributed to the mounting epidemic of spiritual abuse
in our Christian community. Yes, my abusing was mostly unintentional, but it
damaged others. The child who is whipped by a parent carries the soul scars
despite any parental good intentions. I am yet surprised by how natural, how
spiritual, I felt in doing God’s work in destructive ways. It felt so right to
do God’s work so wrong. Recognizing my own spiritual abuse as a pastor has been gradual. So has my
recovery as both abuser and victim. Recognizing the abuse in others and in myself has been both painful and helpful. Those who have
experienced my ministry over the years might well have been as unaware as I was
that I was abusing them. (How I would love to make amends, to assemble them to
apologize and together find a better way, a way of healing and grace!)
Recognizing the distorted, damaging pieces on our spiritual journeys is the
first step toward true spirituality. Dogmatism Spiritual abusers come in a variety of personalities. One kind of spiritual
abuser is the Uninformed Dogmatician. Too often I
ministered the Scriptures as if I were the authority, while I was ignorant even
of my own spirituality, needs, desires, and feelings. My perceived need to be
viewed as the authority was met, and those in my congregation who were overly
dependent on authority felt that their needs were met. In fact, they encouraged
me in this damaging stance, treating me like the expert, the guru, and telling
me they liked it when I stepped on their toes. But instead of becoming more
spiritual, we fell into a ditch together. Like a blind leader of the blind, I
helped create an enslaving, damaging “discipleship.” I focused on the
intellectual and less meaningful details of biblical passages and missed the
heart of the Good News. And I scarred some souls in the process. Rigidity Another kind of abuser is the Rigid Ruler. Usurping the throne of God, he
calls the shots about when you should attend church, how much you should give,
what you should look like, and how you should treat him, your spouse, and your
children. He interprets the Scriptures for the congregation, not allowing sound
reasoning or questions. The rigid performance standards with which he burdens
his people destroy freedom and grace. He distorts the image of God, projecting
Him as the Enforcer, the Harsh Taskmaster. The Rigid Ruler imposes his own
control, using fear and shame. Congregations support this abuse by hiring
pastor after pastor based on whether he has the same rigid “convictions.” Reality Bending The Reality Bender also spiritually abuses people. As pastors, we should be
ever searching for the truth about how we feel, what matters most to us, what
our real priorities are, whether we are being honest about our spiritual
journeys, what personal challenges we face, and whether we are wrestling with
dark secrets. We should be honest and real. Instead, other pastors and I bend
the truth. We project a reality we do not enjoy. When our lives become
unmanageable we feel compelled to put on a happy face and act, instead of
telling the truth. Such role playing bends what is real and deceives those who
are trying to find out what God is like. This perverts Christianity at the
core. When I have bent reality I have deceived the ones I was supposed to
protect and I have modeled a view of God that is void of truth and grace. Happy
“painted on” faces hurt the souls of others. To be sure, people in the pews encourage the spiritual abuse of bending
reality. It is somehow more comfortable to put the pastor on a pedestal, even
if that pedestal is built on a lie, than to graciously accept him with all his
flaws. This came home powerfully to me when I, as a pastor, shared for the
first time that I had been seeking professional help. Elders as well as other
church members were angered and embarrassed. Our push to put pastors on the
pedestal contributes to the sickening cycle of spiritual abuse. Dale Wolery is the executive director of the Clergy Recovery Network. This article
first appeared in STEPS magazine, a publication of the National Association for
Christian Recovery. All rights reserved. |